I recieved numerous emails from a lady named "Sandy"... so many that I am devoting a post to her.
Sandy is 24 years old, college educated, employed, doing great in her life. She dated a man for 6 months, who also looks good on paper, and got engaged. That is where the dysfunctional monster in her family reared its ugly head.
Her mother (twice divorced, and single) does not like that Sandy and her fiancee have been together at this point a year, and does not like the engagement ring happening at 6 months. Her mother is refusing to help pay for the wedding because she feels that her daughter needs to be engaged for a minimum of 2 more years, plus live with the man.
Her father (divorced a whopping 4 times and currently engaged to future wife number 5) thinks that Sandy isn't marrying a man who is wealthy enough, and is refusing to pay for the wedding.
That is obviously the SHORT verison of the situation, folks.
My advice:
First, re-evaluate your parents stance. Yes, they've said crazy, mean things, but make certian that they do NOT have a point. What I mean by that is:
1) does the relationship feel rushed to you?
**My husband and I met in Nov. and got engaged on valentines day, just 3 and a half months after meeting. We just knew it was right. We were married in Nov, a little over a year from the day we met. Sometimes, you just know it's right and there is no point in waiting**
2) Financially how is this guy? How are you financially? If there is any sort of debt red flag (over 10,000) then you DO need to wait a bit and get better off financially.
**My husband had 7,000 on a credit card, 3,000 for my ring, and a medical loan for 10,000 when he proposed. I let him move in with me, for free because I was 100% financially stable, and for the 8 months prior to our wedding, he paid down that debt!**
After examining your parents complaints, and making sure they are not valid, it is time for reality:
YOU WILL BE PAYING FOR YOUR WEDDING! There is no law that states that your parents are required to even so much as help pay for your wedding. That is a fact. If they say no, for whatever reason, that's it. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
My parents did not contribute a dime to my wedding. Nothing. Nada. Zip. They blew all of their money on my sisters lavish affair and there was nothing left for me. My husband and I sat down with his parents and ran our court house wedding idea past them and my inlaws actually paid for our entire wedding. It is worth asking if his parents will contribute.
Next reality: DO NOT CHARGE A WEDDING!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! No loans, no debt, instead have a very small, tasteful event, and BUY A HOUSE. I can't tell you how many people end up with 30,000 in wedding debt and have to put house owning off for years. DO NOT DO IT!!
Believe it or not, a wedding is not the biggest day of your life (child birth is) and frankly no one remembers the wedding 5 years later. Trust me. I have photos on my wall to remind me, but seriously, I don't know what we had for dinner for our wedding.
It is time to toss those 'big wedding dreams' into the trash can and think like an adult who is about to begin a new chapter in her life.
In 5 years, what is more important:
Big wedding or a beautiful house that is making money for you, has room for a baby, and is a place to live and enjoy every single day?
**My wedding was held for free at our church. My dress was from Alfred Angelo's, very affordable, a family friend did photography, we had a reception in the church hall for free, and served finger foods, cake, and punch. total cost for all of that, including photos, flowers, cake, dress, extras: under 4,000.**
Now, my inlaws did decide to pay for a lavish dinner at a very pricey resteraunt. I could never have afforded that, they chose to do that. We let them, because they paid, take total control of that dinner. We only invited my parents, sister and her husband, and one of my aunts to the dinner and because my family didn't pay a dime, they had NO SAY in that guest list. My mother tried to give me hell for not inviting more of my key family members to that dinner, and I told her if she wanted them to attend, she had to PAY. The issue was dropped.
Remember, if YOU PAY, you get to make all the choices... but remember: A wedding is for a day, a house is for a lifetime.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
What Aggrevates me the MOST:
Sorry for the lag in posts: Pregnancy has taken me hostage.
We just had a lovely visit with my family... which reminds me why I started this blog in the first place. What truly bothers me the most is not that my sister is a bad parent, not that my sister has a dead beat husband who refuses to get a decent job, not that my sister is bringing new meaning to the term 'moocher' off of my parents... what bothers me the most is that my sisters messed up exsistance has robbed me of my parents.
My sister is a wreck, no one can deny that. She is a basket case, barely employed, with a baby she seems to have no interest in, and a husband who I want to run over with my SUV because he is such louse. But... that being said, my parents have chosen to enable my sister. She may as well be an addict of some drug, because my parents act just like the parents of a drug addict! They are addicted to 'fixing' her messes. They feel they can't leave, or rather ask her to leave, because she'll have another crisis and they'll have to come back immideately. They have bent over backward, blown their retirement funds, remodeled their home to fit her and her family, and given up everything that used to be important to them in order to 'take care of' my sister.
I am on that list of things they have given up.
We were told that my parents were coming out to visit us for the birth of our baby, and staying for a few weeks to help us out. We were excited! I have to rush back to work, not even getting the 6 weeks of maternity leave which is required by law I might add, and help would have been a godsend. However, we discovered this past weekend that my parents plan to visit us hinged on my sister and her husband getting into a masters degree program. I could have told them that my brother in law had the same chances of getting into that highly competitive program as my siberian husky puppy, but the letter of rejection arrived Saturday so I was spared. Now, my parents will come for a weekend to meet their newest grandchild. Maybe.
NO! I have changed my mind: I am most bothered by the fact that my sisters wreck of a life has robbed my baby of grandparents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not fair. But, then again, nothing in a dysfunctional family is fair. No one chooses to be in a dysfunctional family, it just happens.
I plan on explaining to my child, when they are old enough to understand, that their Aunt had an accident and that their Grandparents have to take care of her like she is still a child. I plan on using a hard boiled egg in my chat so they can have a visual of what head injury looks like. Kids are smart, they'll understand why they see their grandparents maybe once every few years. They will understand, even if I never will.
We just had a lovely visit with my family... which reminds me why I started this blog in the first place. What truly bothers me the most is not that my sister is a bad parent, not that my sister has a dead beat husband who refuses to get a decent job, not that my sister is bringing new meaning to the term 'moocher' off of my parents... what bothers me the most is that my sisters messed up exsistance has robbed me of my parents.
My sister is a wreck, no one can deny that. She is a basket case, barely employed, with a baby she seems to have no interest in, and a husband who I want to run over with my SUV because he is such louse. But... that being said, my parents have chosen to enable my sister. She may as well be an addict of some drug, because my parents act just like the parents of a drug addict! They are addicted to 'fixing' her messes. They feel they can't leave, or rather ask her to leave, because she'll have another crisis and they'll have to come back immideately. They have bent over backward, blown their retirement funds, remodeled their home to fit her and her family, and given up everything that used to be important to them in order to 'take care of' my sister.
I am on that list of things they have given up.
We were told that my parents were coming out to visit us for the birth of our baby, and staying for a few weeks to help us out. We were excited! I have to rush back to work, not even getting the 6 weeks of maternity leave which is required by law I might add, and help would have been a godsend. However, we discovered this past weekend that my parents plan to visit us hinged on my sister and her husband getting into a masters degree program. I could have told them that my brother in law had the same chances of getting into that highly competitive program as my siberian husky puppy, but the letter of rejection arrived Saturday so I was spared. Now, my parents will come for a weekend to meet their newest grandchild. Maybe.
NO! I have changed my mind: I am most bothered by the fact that my sisters wreck of a life has robbed my baby of grandparents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not fair. But, then again, nothing in a dysfunctional family is fair. No one chooses to be in a dysfunctional family, it just happens.
I plan on explaining to my child, when they are old enough to understand, that their Aunt had an accident and that their Grandparents have to take care of her like she is still a child. I plan on using a hard boiled egg in my chat so they can have a visual of what head injury looks like. Kids are smart, they'll understand why they see their grandparents maybe once every few years. They will understand, even if I never will.
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