Do you ever feel as though your branch on the family tree got knocked off by a wind storm? You are not alone!
I have spent the past few weeks talking with many of my family, family whom I normally only talk to once a year. As it turns out, several of my cousins feel exactly as I do, that their branch fell off the family tree.
I, myself, haven't been on the family tree in about 5 years. My sister and my sisters family have consumed my parents, aunts, uncles and the like. I am forgotten completely because "I can take care of myself." That line seems to be the common thread among my family members, as though it is the end all excuse for why I can be treated so poorly!!
Take my Cousin "Jeffrey", who is a 30 year old, VERY successful computer geek living in Chicago. His wife, his 2 gorgeous kids, and himself also feel as though his family (my aunt and uncle) have completely forgotten them. They do not get Christmas presents or even a card, his parents haven't come see the new baby, and when he does get a phone call (about once every 6 weeks) all his parents can talk about is his 24 year old brother whose life is a wreck. His own mother doesn't want to hear stories about her grandchildren, she wants him to send money to his brother who seems to be unable to hold down a job. After years of fighting it, calling home once a week, showing up anyway when 'overlooked' for an invitation to family gatherings, Jeff has accepted that he isn't going to be a close part of his families lives anymore.
"As kids we were all treated about equal. No one was ever left out, no one ever got dramatically more then anyone else, and I was always made to feel loved and cared for. Now, I am totally and completely forgotten except when the time comes to ask for more money. I am glad that I do have these great memories from my childhood, I just wish that my children could have great memories of their grandparents. I feel more anger towards my children being cheated out of grandparent time then I do for anything else. When my children grow up I am going to continue showing love and support for all of them, regardless of whatever path they chose for themselves. I have learned from my parents behavior and I will not repeat the cycle." - Jeff
I agree completely. If you are realizing in your own life that you HATE the way that you are treated by your family, when you grow up MAKE SURE YOU ACT DIFFERENTLY!
That is the biggest lesson of all.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The role of faith...
This is such a personal and touchy subject that I was almost tempted not to blog about it...
Here is the bottom line: Your family, when you were a kid, did their best to instill inside you faith (or in some cases, lack there of) and religious practices that they deem acceptable. Most parents feel that they were successful if you continue to have faith and practice when you become an adult... but what happens when you decide that you want change?
You open pandora's box, that's what happens.
Of course you take a big risk, you will recieve reactions, most negative... but if it is something you truly feel you MUST do, then be prepared to accept the chaos that will follow.
There is "Joey" who is a 30 something, homosexual man who was raised Southern Baptist in a church that spoke out about homosexuality as the devils work. "Joey" knew that he was going to break his family apart when he both walked away from the church and announced that he was gay. When the day came for him to do it, it most certainly did tear apart his family. His younger sister accepted him for who he was, but his mother and father stopped speaking to him and cast him out of the family functions. "Joey" relocated to another state because the distance made accepting his parents silence easier, and began a life that he wanted to live, which included a more progressive church and a boyfriend. 10 years later, "Joey" is a happy person. He truly is. He and his sister have a great relationship and although he lost his parents, he doesn't regret his choice.
And then there is "Beth" from New York who was raised as an Orthodox Jew. I will admit, I had to look up what was involved in being an Orthodox Jew... let's just say they are very conservative and strict in their religious beliefs. "Beth" opted to leave her family and her religious upbringing to live the fast life of a free lance artist in New York City. 4 years later, she wishes nothing more then to be able to go back to her family (who cut her out) and her religious upbringing and regrets it every single day of her life.
So, there it is... I am not saying it is right or wrong to walk away from your religious background. I am saying that there will be a reaction if you decide that you need to walk away and to consider the reaction before you make a move. This is an adult decision, and shouldn't be made lightly.
There is nothing more touchy then religion... what a hot topic. Think before you act.
Here is the bottom line: Your family, when you were a kid, did their best to instill inside you faith (or in some cases, lack there of) and religious practices that they deem acceptable. Most parents feel that they were successful if you continue to have faith and practice when you become an adult... but what happens when you decide that you want change?
You open pandora's box, that's what happens.
Of course you take a big risk, you will recieve reactions, most negative... but if it is something you truly feel you MUST do, then be prepared to accept the chaos that will follow.
There is "Joey" who is a 30 something, homosexual man who was raised Southern Baptist in a church that spoke out about homosexuality as the devils work. "Joey" knew that he was going to break his family apart when he both walked away from the church and announced that he was gay. When the day came for him to do it, it most certainly did tear apart his family. His younger sister accepted him for who he was, but his mother and father stopped speaking to him and cast him out of the family functions. "Joey" relocated to another state because the distance made accepting his parents silence easier, and began a life that he wanted to live, which included a more progressive church and a boyfriend. 10 years later, "Joey" is a happy person. He truly is. He and his sister have a great relationship and although he lost his parents, he doesn't regret his choice.
And then there is "Beth" from New York who was raised as an Orthodox Jew. I will admit, I had to look up what was involved in being an Orthodox Jew... let's just say they are very conservative and strict in their religious beliefs. "Beth" opted to leave her family and her religious upbringing to live the fast life of a free lance artist in New York City. 4 years later, she wishes nothing more then to be able to go back to her family (who cut her out) and her religious upbringing and regrets it every single day of her life.
So, there it is... I am not saying it is right or wrong to walk away from your religious background. I am saying that there will be a reaction if you decide that you need to walk away and to consider the reaction before you make a move. This is an adult decision, and shouldn't be made lightly.
There is nothing more touchy then religion... what a hot topic. Think before you act.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
An Issue of TIME
I have read that it is a culture quirk when it comes to how people view "time". Do you consider arriving at 8 am for an 8 am appointment on time, early, or late?
My family arrives 30 minutes early to everything. We were always the first people in the movie theater We were the first ones in the door for church. We were the ones waiting in the parking lot for school to open. We are early birds.
My husbands family views time as flexible. They can be on time, or an hour late, and you just never know when to expect them. We have gone to many resteraunts and had to order multiple appetizers so they wouldn't kick us out while we waited...
However, a newly wed named Julianne is really struggling with her in-laws. She told everyone to arrive at 2pm for Christmas dinner. Her entire family was at her house at 2pm for Christmas dinner and 2:30 the table was set, the food was ready, the ham was out of the oven and ready to be carved... but her inlaws were no where to be found. She finally, at 3, started feeding people because her family was HUNGRY and up in arms. They viewed the lateness as RUDE.
Her inlaws opperate on their own time clock. The first of her inlaws showed up 2 hours late, at 4pm. The rest of her inlaws showed up at 6 pm. Her inlaws were hurt that they ate without them!!!
What a mess.
Well, Here is My Advice:
Next year, say that you are having Christmas dinner at 4 pm to your family. Tell your inlaws that you are having christmas dinner sharp at 1 pm. Hope for the best.
Time is a family trait and you will not change them, you can just try to work around them.
My family arrives 30 minutes early to everything. We were always the first people in the movie theater We were the first ones in the door for church. We were the ones waiting in the parking lot for school to open. We are early birds.
My husbands family views time as flexible. They can be on time, or an hour late, and you just never know when to expect them. We have gone to many resteraunts and had to order multiple appetizers so they wouldn't kick us out while we waited...
However, a newly wed named Julianne is really struggling with her in-laws. She told everyone to arrive at 2pm for Christmas dinner. Her entire family was at her house at 2pm for Christmas dinner and 2:30 the table was set, the food was ready, the ham was out of the oven and ready to be carved... but her inlaws were no where to be found. She finally, at 3, started feeding people because her family was HUNGRY and up in arms. They viewed the lateness as RUDE.
Her inlaws opperate on their own time clock. The first of her inlaws showed up 2 hours late, at 4pm. The rest of her inlaws showed up at 6 pm. Her inlaws were hurt that they ate without them!!!
What a mess.
Well, Here is My Advice:
Next year, say that you are having Christmas dinner at 4 pm to your family. Tell your inlaws that you are having christmas dinner sharp at 1 pm. Hope for the best.
Time is a family trait and you will not change them, you can just try to work around them.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
A question of where....
Unfortunately my email box was filled with a lot of letters of how alcohol ruined family time over the holidays. My heart goes out to those of you who are battling with alcoholism in your family because that is an entirely different level of dysfunctionalism. This is a level of dysfunction where you need to seek help far more trained and knowlegable then myself, that being said, here is my advice:
Here is what I know about families struggling with the disease:
First of all, it is a DISEASE. It isn't something that is going to just "magically disappear" - it is a very real disease that needs very real treatment from real people who know what they are doing. I know that not just the alcoholic needs treatment. The entire family needs to be treated.
I have this great quote from the show INTERVENTION: "If we could treat the families of the addict, we stand a fighting chance of saving the addict."
Everybody involved needs treatment, whether from al-anon or another group. It is a hard disease to beat, but it can be done.
If your family is dysfunctional because of alcoholism, I urge you to get treatment immediately. Google support groups in your area and show up at the next available meeting.
Good Luck.
Here is what I know about families struggling with the disease:
First of all, it is a DISEASE. It isn't something that is going to just "magically disappear" - it is a very real disease that needs very real treatment from real people who know what they are doing. I know that not just the alcoholic needs treatment. The entire family needs to be treated.
I have this great quote from the show INTERVENTION: "If we could treat the families of the addict, we stand a fighting chance of saving the addict."
Everybody involved needs treatment, whether from al-anon or another group. It is a hard disease to beat, but it can be done.
If your family is dysfunctional because of alcoholism, I urge you to get treatment immediately. Google support groups in your area and show up at the next available meeting.
Good Luck.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
My Reslution
As I sat here pondering my New Years Resolution for 2008, my husband announced:
Instead of making a resolution that you can't possibly keep, like trying to make your relationship with your crazy family better -which you can't keep because it would depend on THEM actually wanting to have a better relationship with you and THEM making changes as well- why don't you just resolve to accept them for who they are and have realistic expectations about them.
Brilliant! Resolutions are supposed to be something that you can do alone, and be successful at if you work hard enough. Mending that relationship is not something I can do alone and frankly I am not even sure it is possible no matter how much time, effort, and hard work I put in. For those of you in the same boat I am, it hurts, doesn't it!
However, I can resolve to accept my dysfunctional family for who they are: dysfunctional, wacky, crazy, and sometimes down right mean.
I can resolve to have realistic expectations about them. For example, I am 8 weeks pregnant... can I expect a baby shower from them? NO. Can I expect my parents to be here for the birth of my child? NO. Can I expect any help at all from my parents concerning the birth of my baby? NO. Can I expect a long list of excuses for why they can't make the drive to see the baby? YES. Can I expect a lengthy explanation as to why they don't feel the need to throw a baby shower for their oldest daughter (when they spent 5,000 on one for my sister 5 months ago) YES. Can I expect no support, no comforting, no assistance of any kind, no gifts, and really no love for their newest grandchild? YES.
It is a sad situation, but that is how my Dysfunctional family works. I am the child that they stopped loving a long time ago... and that is just the way it is. Thank God my husbands family will be here for my baby so that my baby can know the joy of Grandparents!!!
That is my last resolution: To give thanks for the people in my life who make me feel loved and appreciated, to give thanks for the relationships I have that make me want to be a better person, and to give thanks for the family that I have created.
Instead of making a resolution that you can't possibly keep, like trying to make your relationship with your crazy family better -which you can't keep because it would depend on THEM actually wanting to have a better relationship with you and THEM making changes as well- why don't you just resolve to accept them for who they are and have realistic expectations about them.
Brilliant! Resolutions are supposed to be something that you can do alone, and be successful at if you work hard enough. Mending that relationship is not something I can do alone and frankly I am not even sure it is possible no matter how much time, effort, and hard work I put in. For those of you in the same boat I am, it hurts, doesn't it!
However, I can resolve to accept my dysfunctional family for who they are: dysfunctional, wacky, crazy, and sometimes down right mean.
I can resolve to have realistic expectations about them. For example, I am 8 weeks pregnant... can I expect a baby shower from them? NO. Can I expect my parents to be here for the birth of my child? NO. Can I expect any help at all from my parents concerning the birth of my baby? NO. Can I expect a long list of excuses for why they can't make the drive to see the baby? YES. Can I expect a lengthy explanation as to why they don't feel the need to throw a baby shower for their oldest daughter (when they spent 5,000 on one for my sister 5 months ago) YES. Can I expect no support, no comforting, no assistance of any kind, no gifts, and really no love for their newest grandchild? YES.
It is a sad situation, but that is how my Dysfunctional family works. I am the child that they stopped loving a long time ago... and that is just the way it is. Thank God my husbands family will be here for my baby so that my baby can know the joy of Grandparents!!!
That is my last resolution: To give thanks for the people in my life who make me feel loved and appreciated, to give thanks for the relationships I have that make me want to be a better person, and to give thanks for the family that I have created.
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