Don't Shoot At Christmas

This one was just too interesting to pass up:

Christmas Eve, New Jersey. The entire family was gathered together for a Christmas Eve dinner, complete with lots of kids and one very intoxicated Uncle "Bernie". The recipe for disaster, folks. So after dinner, as the family gathers around to watch "The Christmas Story" - Uncle Bernie decides that it was high time that his 5 year old nephew learns the truth about Santa and tells the 5 year old that Santa was nothing more then a lie. Well, you can imagine the 5 year old went screaming to Momma and Daddy, his little heart broken. Daddy ran out and got his shot gun from the back of his pick up truck and chased "Uncle Bernie" around the house, around the neighborhood, and thankfully Uncle Bernie managed to escape unharmed. The 5 year old cried for hours, the grandparents never want to have their gun toting son-in-law at their house ever again, and pretty much none of them are on speaking terms. Oh my.

How I would have handled it:
I would have picked that 5 year old up and said this:
"Oh sweetie, Of COURSE there is a Santa. However, you have to remember that Santa only visits GOOD boys and girls and seriously, do you think your Uncle Bernie was good? NOPE. He was NOT good. When you get to be an adult, I will tell you a few of the bad, bad, BAD things Uncle Bernie has done. Santa does NOT visit Uncle Bernie because he is on the Naughty list. Now, YOU HAVE BEEN A GOOD BOY! Santa is going to come and visit you!! He had better because your Daddy and I only bought you socks... but I bet there will be toys under the tree for you come Christmas morning. You can't listen to Uncle Bernie when it comes to Santa because Santa hasn't visited Uncle Bernie since he was 8 years old. Long time. Tell you what, when Santa visits you tomorrow, we can take a video of you with all of your toys and mail it to Uncle Bernie so he can see what happens if he is a GOOD person next year!!

And then I would have left that party IMMEDIATELY and tried really hard not to punch Uncle Bernie in the nose by accident as I left.

But, since that ship has past, here is my advice now:
Time heals a lot. I would not bother trying to talk to any family members right now because the wounds are too fresh for everyone. In February, I would send an apology card to your parents for the gun incident and I would ask that alcohol NEVER be served at another family event ever. Then I would remind them that their grandchild deeply misses them. As for Uncle Bernie, I'd give it at least 6 months before I even gave a thought to the man who destroyed Christmas for my child. Maybe a year... lots of time.


And speaking of time:
Well, my family finally figured out that we were really not going to make the 14 hour drive to visit them... and now we are not speaking! Oh, they did speak long enough to tell me that they had divided up the Christmas presents they had gotten my husband and I among themselves and my sisters family... but now they refuse to talk to me.
Am I hurt? YES. I feel like I got voted out of the family. However, as my husband pointed out: I was voted out a long time ago, I am just feeling the effects right now. I really am I hurt. My heart aches because even though they are completely dysfunctional... I do love them and I do miss them, but I would hurt a lot more if we hoped in the car and drove there right now. I can't win. I can't have the lovely family moments that some people get... I get agony if I go or don't go.
How long will this silence last? I give it 6 weeks...

For all of those of you who are in the same silent boat as I am, hang in there. BE STRONG. DO NOT MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. DO NOT BEG AND GROVEL FOR THEIR COMMUNICATION (which, incidentally, will be all negative and make you feel infinitely worse)... Let time do its magic.

Expectations:

If you are having CHILDREN attend an event, no matter how big or small, keep realistic expectations.

Over the many emails I received about Christmas horror stories, the general theme is that the host or hostess had completely unrealistic expectations as to what children are.

Case 1 of Unrealistic Expectations:
"Aunt Marie" from a small town in Ohio thought it was realistic to give a 3 year old his Christmas dinner on her ANTIQUE WEDDING CHINA!! and of course "Aunt Marie" went through the roof when the child knocked it off the table, on to the floor, where it shattered into many, many pieces. Then "Aunt Marie" proceded to tell her niece what a horrible parent she was and now the family is torn apart...

My advice: NEVER GIVE ANY CHILD ANTIQUE CHINA. Heck, I know adults who I would not serve on anything but paper!! Never, ever, ever expect that a child will have the ability to take care of something that fragile. NEVER. As a parent, if you see your child is being served on it- good lord! Intervene! Take that plate right out of their hands and look your aunt in the eyes and say NO. However, now that this has happened, if you truly want to get back on "Aunt Maries" good side, what I would do is to look through the internet for her china pattern, especially Ebay, and see if you can replace that plate. I once broke one of my Aunt's gorgeous antique plates by sheer accident (and I was 22 at the time) and it took a year, but I finally found someone on Ebay selling them. My Aunt told me over and over that I didn't have to, but when she got the plate the look on her face was worth it. In addition, I would also buy "Aunt Marie" a set of plastic children's plates. Know in your heart that the old woman was at fault for handing delicate bone china to a toddler, but don't dwell on it and do what you can to fix the problem. Remember time heals....

Case 2 of unrealistic expectations:
Dewayne from New Jersey sent me the classic tale of 2 brothers, and their families, but only one guest room at Grandma's. Dewayne was livid because he arrived at his parents house for Christmas only to find that he and his family of 4 had to go stay at the Red Roof Inn because his brother's family had gotten there first and there wasn't room for everyone. Dewayne considered it especially an insult because he wasn't expecting to have to pay for a trip to Grandma's house and he considers his brother to be much more financially well off.

My Advice: First of all, looks can be deceiving. You might think that your brother and his family are well off, they live in the big house, they have the nicer cars... but the truth may be radically different. There may be a family secret that you don't know about. My entire childhood, my Aunt Lucy spoiled us rotten. She not only bought us hundreds of dollars worth of toys, but as we grew older it turned into thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. She had a fancy car, lived in a stunning home, and she took exotic vacations all over the world. We ALWAYS thought Aunt Lucy was the richest member of the family. And then the truth came out as her home was auctioned off, her car was auctioned off, her jewelry auctioned off and even after all of her material items were gone, she STILL had 75,000 of credit card debt. She could have retired 5 years ago and is working 2 jobs to make ends meet. So, the bottom line is don't make the situation worse by thinking that your rich brother cheated you, because that might not be the case. Instead, put the blame exactly where it needs to be: YOUR PARENTS. Mend things over with your brother, and fast, because he didn't set you up, your own parents did!!!!

As for your parents... oh my. Welcome to the dysfunctional family, brother, you fit right in. Your parents had to know that you all were not going to fit in their home. They should have let you know WELL in advance that you were going to be in a hotel. Then, they should have offered to cover some of the cost of that hotel. Finally, they should have made up a gift basket to make the hotel seem like not such a bad thing. We have stayed in many hotels on Christmas because one set of my grandparents had a 2 bedroom house that was about the same size as a postage stamp. But, with the gift basket, it wasn't bad at all. They would call us at the hotel at 5 am to let us know that Santa had come to their with house with our presents... I have a lot of good memories. However, you got blind sided. My advice is to have a frank talk with your parents about how you want things done DIFFERENTLY FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS. You won't get anywhere by discussing the bad things of this Christmas, but you will have some luck if you iron everything out for next Christmas. I would approach it like this: "Mom, Dad, I'd like to talk to you about what we can do next Christmas to make it more comfortable for me and my family. I have a few ideas I would like to run past you..."

Next Blog: Do NOT shoot your relatives the night before Christmas... even if they deserve it.

Holidays are just plain DIFFICULT!

My email box is over flowing with tails of horror from dysfunctional families who had to endure the holidays together. I have not even begun to sift through the onslaught of emails, but I did want to share this:

I stated that I would not spend Christmas with my family because I knew the horror that it would be for not only myself, but for my husband. I had to lie to get out of Christmas with my family unscathed. In my heart, I know I made the right decision because we had a happy Christmas and our marriage is stronger for it. I know it was the right decision for this Christmas to spend it away....

That being said: I cried a little bit Christmas evening because I missed them so much.

I know that they would have spent every waking moment being hurtful and mean towards my husband and myself. They would call us names, there would be horrible arguements, we would have aching backs from sleeping on the sofa, and undoubtedly I would have cried a lot more had we made the drive to my families home... I know it would have been AWFUL.

And yet I cried because deep down, I truly missed them.

I want you to ponder that thought for at least a day before you write anyone else out of your will.

Happy Holidays!

I would like to extend a Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas to everyone!

May there be peace on earth, and good will toward men and women.

Crippling Childhood Can Be Overcome

My heart goes out to "Micky", a really sweet guy who has become really warped by his dysfunctional family. Poor Micky grew up in a house with parents who truly LOATHED eachother. They split the house into 2 sections and lived apart "for the child" but in actuality, their constant fighting and long periods of agonizing silence did more damage then a divorce would have done.

Micky was the product of an affair his father had while still married to wife number 1. Micky's dad divorced and eventually married Micky's mom (making her wife number 2) and that marrige was pure hell for all involved. Micky's parents divorced when he was in highschool because they felt he was old enough to 'handle' it. Micky's dad is presently married to wife number 5, has additional children, and Micky's mother can only be discribed as a mess.

So, Micky is now scarred from all of this. He has no intentions of ever getting married. Ever. He has lost girlfriends because he truly views marriage as the gateway to misery and ruin.

The lessons here: Do not stay in a volital marriage 'for the sake of the children' because you do WAY more damage subjecting the child to the disaster for years upon years then a divorce would have done!!

And Micky... I am trying my best to get Micky into counseling. I doubt it will ever happen, though. I show him how happy my husband and I are in our marriage and his relpy is: Good for you, you are the exception, not the norm. He has gone so far as to say that he is cursed, because of his family...

I am holding out hope for Micky. He is a great guy who would make a great husband for someone with a lot of patience. However, he really does, like a lot of children from dysfunctional homes, need some help.

IT IS OK TO GET HELP!!! I can't stress that enough, folks. You can recover from a dysfunction wreck of a childhood.

Battling the Family Party

In this difficult holiday season, more then one of us with dysfunctional families will be invited to a family party. A party that will be talked about for the rest of the coming year... and not for good reasons. The last holiday party I attended with my mothers side of the family, bless their hearts, gave us all food poisoning that lasted well into the new year. On the bright side: I lost 10 pounds! Sure, Grandma had to be hospitalized, and you've never lived until you have to share a toilet bowl with another person while throwing up.... Oh, the memories.

And that brings me to my survival guide for how to handle those special holiday gatherings:

Pre-Party Planning:

1) a week ahead of time, advertise that you or one of your kids is sick
(which will be used later to make a gracious exit before the chaos ensues)

2) When shopping for presents:GIFT CERTIFICATES
No matter what you buy, it will be wrong if it isn't a gift certificate. You will offend someone because they think their present wasn't as nice as the one you gave someone else or someone will have already bought that same gift for someone else and is ticked you only spent $5.95 on them... whatever. Yes, it means that you will have to spend $15 minimum per person, but the headache it will save is worth more then money. My husband bought gift certificates for every member of my family from Best Buy and everyone loved him for it. I went out and bought thoughtful gifts that actually cost double the gift certificate amount, and was hassled for it. Learn the power of the GIFT CERTIFICATE.

3) Outfit choosing: Something conservative. It can be fire retardant, stain proof, built to withstand a tsunami, but it needs to be conservative. It is better to be over dressed then under dressed.

At the Party:
1) DO NOT DRINK
Now I know that when I am with my relatives it is THE time that I want drink. And they make me want to drink a LOT. However, fight the urge. Drunk people do stupid things, things that will be held over your head until the day you die. This is the hardest rule of all, believe me I know it.

2) Only make small talk. Discuss the weather. A sports team if they are winning. Discuss traffic. Do NOT get into any sort of heavy debate where people's feelings get hurt. Remember: It is ok to be smarter then everyone else. It is NOT OK to point it out.

3) Do not linger about. If you feel that the time has come to make an exit: LEAVE! The longer you stay, the more chance that chaos will unfold around you and before you know it, Uncle Larry thinks you are going to buy is 1996 Ford Explorer with 300,000 miles on it -but no tires!!

After Party:

1) Send a thank you notice to the hostess. This will earn you bonus points for the entire next year:

Thank you for the party, Aunt Bernice. We had a great time, you have a beautiful home. Sorry Billy spilled grape juice on your white love seat.
Love, Annabell and Family

None of your other relatives are going to send a thank you note, so you come out looking like the saint.

Most importantly: Remember, no matter how obnoxious your family is this holiday season, one of them might match you for a kidney transplant so you've got to be nice!!

Happy Holidays

The Package Deal

When you are contemplating marrying someone who already has kids from a previous encounter YOU HAVE TO VIEW IT AS A PACKAGE DEAL!

Why is this a difficult concept t grasp, folks? If you are madly in love with a man, like my friend "Betsy" is, then you have to understand your place on the totem pole of his priorities. "Betsy" is engaged to be married to a man with not one, not two, but FOUR children by another woman. Sure, this guy began really young, being only 16 when the first child was born and then having one every 14 months after that until he wound up with 4 daughters. He is now 30, his oldest daughter is 14 (such a pleasent age for teenage girls, as you can imagine) and "Betsy" can not stand his kids. What on earth! The guy- if he is any sort of decent human being- is not going to turn his back on his kids!

"Betsy" objects to the amount of child support he pays (which is REALLY small, only 20% of his total pay to support 4 kids!) and she hates sharing the house twice a month with all of the girls. After a fun filled weekend with the girls, Betsy will complain for the entire next week about the kids!!

And it is driving me nuts, so today I have advice for "Betsy":

If you don't love the guy enough to accept his kids (you don't have to love them, but you do have to accept them) -back out of the wedding.

If you are up at night over the amount of child support he is paying now, can you handle the thought of paying half of EACH CHILD'S COLLEGE TUITION? If not, back out of the wedding.

If you can not tolerate his kids being a part of your life until the day that you die, it is time to back out of the wedding.

Bottom line: Either accept the children for what they are, (his flesh and blood, his first babies whom he will always love and who will always be a top priority in his life) AND accept the financial and personal responsibility that those children will require from you, or walk away. You can either accept or leave.

You can not have him and not accept the kids. Life doesn't work that way, because eventually, you will leave or he will leave you. It is one or the other, acceptance or walking papers.

So "Betsy" - it is decision time. With 3 months left until the big day, either accept or cancel the flowers.

Marry into a dysfunctional family?

I've heard it a thousand times: Can I marry into a family that is wretchedly dysfunctional and be ok?

Well.... it all depends. This is not a yes or no question, because it entirely depends on the type and amount of dysfunction.

My first fiancee was the only child of a wretchedly dysfunctional family, and obviously it didn't work out for us. I had a great time while we were dating, fell madly in love, thought the world of this man, and then after we became engaged, I met his mother. Oh, how his mother did not like the idea of someone taking away her baby from her. As soon as his mother came into the picture, I had to leave. She was a monster of biblical proportions and unfortunately, my ex-fiancee could not stand up to her.

What I've learned from that experience is:

If you can distance yourself from the dysfunctional family - however far it takes - then there is a good chance you'll be alright!

If your fiancee backs you up 100% against their family 100% of the time, then there is a good chance you'll be alright!

If your fiancee realizes that their family is dysfunctional and tries to protect you from it, you've got a good chance!

If you realize that your fiancee's family is dysfunctional and that you need to take steps to protect yourself, then there is a good chance!!

Bottom line, you need to assess the situation and by that I mean write down facts.

Fact:
Mother-in-law arrived, uninvited, at 5 pm at YOUR HOUSE with a RAW CHICKEN and expected YOU to cook that chicken for the entire family, whom she invited over without permission, and your fiancee saw nothing wrong with this....

Mother-in-law critized your appearence and your fiancee AGREED with her

Father-in-law invited your fiancee to go to a strip club and teased your fiancee when he said no because you had symphony tickets and then launched into a 30 minute lecture about why cheating is ok....

See.... these are BAD FACTS. You don't write down opinions, how you felt, emotions. You write down the events as they happen. Then, with a clear head, you evaluate them and decide if you are in a bad situation. The above facts actually happened with my ex-fiancee. Hence, he is an ex.

But, my husband married me and my family is extremely dysfunctional. We're happy. Our marriage works. Sure, he gets royally mad at my family, and we do live 700 miles away from them. My husband knew the mess that was my family prior to our wedding, and he has never regretted it.

Each situation is different. If you really need advice on your situation, email me and I'll do my best to give you my opinion.

Baby or No Baby?

I shared my positive pregnancy test news with our neighbors, who are the nicest people in the whole world but should never gotten married to each other. They were excited and are praying for us (because our last 2 pregnancies ended badly) and then "Jane" announced: "We're trying to have a baby, too!!"

My husbands jaw hit the floor, and I was left speechless. Our neighbors have fallen into the old trap: Have a baby to save the marriage

These people are very nice people, but not to each other. In June, "Jane" kicked out "Joe" because she discovered evidence on the credit card statement (their joint credit card statement) that he had had a romantic evening in downtown Washington D.C. complete with hotel room, boat trip, dinner, and brunch, all while we was supposed to be away on business in Fredrick, Maryland. But, in July "Joe" moved back in. At the end of July, "Jane" kicked "Joe" out again and this time burnt the man's clothes in the backyard fire pit. We never did find out why, but in August they got back together again. There was the loudest fight over Labor Day Weekend, at which they BOTH moved out and we didn't see them until November. Once they moved back in, just prior to Thanksgiving, everything seemed to be ok, except for the occasional screaming matches they have in the driveway. No kidding. These people, who are FAR from stable, want to have a baby together!!

This is not a good plan, folks. Marriage counseling for at least a year, with no affairs and no ones clothing being set fire to, and then maybe think about a baby. I feel sorry for the baby, and he/she will be a regular on my blog I'm sure.

Do not have a baby to fix a marriage. Don't do it! Just say NO!!

But, my husband and I are NOT going to get involved.

As the quote goes: Good Fences make for good neighbors.

When You Are Forgotten

When I have children of my own, I have made a vow to never forget any of them. In my family, I am the forgotten child. Not because I was a disapointment or a failure, convict, or any sort of negative reason. Oh no, I am forgotten because I am success and I can take care of myself. It's a hard pill to swollow.

However, I am not alone. The other day and group of fellow jury duty members and I were sitting down to discuss the latest Dear Abbey letter in which a distraught woman wanted a baby shower and her father vetoed it. She was quite pregnant and deserving of a baby shower from her family, her father just flat out did not want to celebrate the upcoming arrival of his newest grandchild. Welcome to the world of a dysfunctional family! I will be in that exact same boat whenever my husband and I have a baby...

Dear Abby advised to move on and let friends throw a baby shower instead... and that is absolutely correct.

We can fight with our dysfunctional families until the day we die and sadly, positive change is not going to occur. Telling the Father that he is WRONG isn't going to work, because on some level he already knows that he is wrong. Explaining to him that he NEEDS to attend the baby shower of his own daughter won't work, because he uses that as a weapon to hurt his daughter. For whatever reason, this man has decided that he isn't going to love and support his child, he is instead going to hurt her at every chance he gets.

In my own family, I see my father and once in a blue moon my mother, try to make amends because they KNOW that they are totally wrong in how they treat me, but the treatment doesn't change. Today I stupidly called them, even thought I know I need to keep contact to a minimum, because I had some exciting news. However, my dad did not let me finish a single sentence and tell him my news... Instead he went on and on and on about my sisters baby and after 20 minutes I gave up and hung up. My parents haven't even pretended to care about my life in the past 5 years and it is not going to change. My exciting news was that my pregnancy test came back positive. Unfortunately, we've had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage... and while I am very positive and happy about this, because we've had two "Failures"- their words- they don't even want to know about it until I am in the delivery room. Talk about supportive...

To the girl whose Daddy won't even attend her baby shower: My heart goes out to you and seriously, when your baby is born, do not subject it to your father because nothing good can come from it.

To what extent do you rush home?

Here is the question:

One of my dearest friends, who also suffers with a dysfunctional family, came at me with this problem. Her sister, whom she hasn't gotten alone with since birth, just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. She is thrilled to be an aunt... but to what extent does she need to rush home, a mere 800 miles, to visit with the new nephew? My friend wants to wait until Feb. and visit over MLK weekend. She has no intentions of going this week, because it would be unpaid leave from her job because it the week prior to a holiday break. She is hosting her in-laws this holiday so she has no intentions of going over the holidays. January, Pres. day weekend, is a possibly but would be difficult. MLK day is her first choice. When she presented this idea to her family, they exploded at her, which is what dysfunctional families do. She is now second guessing her choice...

But, let's look at some real factors here, before she goes and hurts herself out of guilt:

First of all: She would lose part or a whole paycheck, right before christmas, if she left now (which is what her family is DEMANDING that she do) and she can not afford to give her child the christmas she wants to give him if she does that.

Second, this time of year, as we all know, airline tickets are double what you would pay in Feb. and the chaos of flying out the week before christmas is a price to pay all of it's own.

Third, what is the total impact of damage that her delaying the trip will cause on her family dynamics? Will she be forgiven in Feb. or Jan. when she does go and visit? Will they hold it over her head forever? Can she live with that?

My advice:

Tell them you bought a plane ticket for Thursday. Hype up that YOU ARE COMING! And then fake that you have a stomache flu and can't fly and you DON'T WANT TO GET THE NEWBORN SICK and then whine and complain about all the money you lost on the airline ticket and moan and groan, make it believable, try for a little sympathy which you won't get if your family is as dysfunctional as mine, then in Feb. go and smile with pictures of the baby.

Dogs, the holiday problems they cause.

My husband and I are proud owners of 2 of the most beautiful dogs on the planet. Our little one, a shitzu, has extreme attachment disorder and can not be kenneled. We tried, we didn't even make it to Ocean City when the vet called to tell us that she had to be sedated because she was hyperventalating. When we got back to pick her up, she had bloodly dyherria and almost died. Needless to say, we don't even attempt to kennel her anymore. The other dog, a giant malamute, doesn't do well in kennels either.

We love our dogs. They are members of our family. Call us weird, and maybe we are, but that is the way it is.

We do not travel if we can't A) get a friend to either stay at our home and dog sit, or B) can't bring the dogs with us.

Normally, during the non-holiday times of the year, this isn't a huge issue because our dogs are incredibly sweet and we have friends line up to watch them. Plus we have the big tv and the video game systems and so our home becomes sort of a bed and breakfast retreat for our friends. And we pay them, of course!!

Holiday season creates lots of challenges with the dogs, however. My in-laws all live far, far away, so if we try to do a big holiday gathering, normally my husband and I are left out. We have no problem taking the dogs with us to visit any of them, it's that they have a problem with our dogs. They have their own dogs (of the miniature variety) and think that our dogs will eat their dogs. And frankly, the shitzu might... it's a fair problem.

So, my fellow dog owners who are looking for solutions as the christmas time rolls around... you can send your baby to my house because I'll be here this christmas!!!

Otherwise, it is time for a very frank talk with your family. We had to have that talk for Tahnksgiving, this year. It is not a fun one, but you will leave feeling better despite everything.

Here is what we had to do:

Thanksgiving was to be here, in Maryland, but at the last minute my sister-in-law decided she wanted to host thanksgiving because she has 5 kids and it's too difficult to travel, whatever, my in-laws declared that Thanksiving was to be held there. We asked, as nicely as possible, if we could bring our pets. She said no, which as a hostess she has every right to and I don't fault her one bit. We then had to explain to all of the family who were purchasing plane tickets to get to her home in the middle of the country, that no, we would not be coming because we couldn't find anyone to take care of our dogs. My mother-in-law fought with us tooth and nail to get us to try to kennel our dogs (which is a medical impossiblity for one of the 2 dogs, she'll die) and we didn't do it. We did not show up for Thanksgiving.
I honestly do not think that they believed that we weren't coming until they sat down at the meal and we weren't there. It was the first Thanksgiving that the entire family was not all together, but what were we to do? Leave the dogs unattended for 3 days? Risk one of them dying? No way, for us that is unreasonable.

So, we didn't go. We made a stand. My in-laws now know that we are serious, we will not attend if we can't bring the dogs. It has actually made our lives a lot easier. I am sorry my husband didn't get to see his family at Thanksgiving (and worse yet, he spent it with mine who welcomed the dogs more then they welcomed us) but I am glad we we talked with them, took a stand, and stuck to it.

Christmas next year is HERE so everyone can be together.

Dog owners, if you can't find a good home for your pets while you travel and feel stuck in a corner, it's ok. We've been there. Your absence is worse for the people who are there then it is for you and honestly, you won't regret the decision to stay home.

Limiting Contact- Holidays Approaching

Now I know that I have an extremely dysfunctional family. I could fill the entire blog with horror stories of my family that will make you stop and ponder whether your family is really that bad, afterall... But that isn't the point of this blog. This blog is to give advice for others who are dealing with families that only bring pain and disapointment with them to christmas...

Limit contact. That is the bottom line, when dealing with the craziness that rains down upon you from a dysfunticonal family.

So here it is, holiday time again, and this is the time of year that I have the most difficulty dealing with my family. I was trained from birth to go home for Christmas and to spend it with my parents regardless of the emotional torture that I know that they will put me through. As I am typing this, I am racked with guilt because I am NOT GOING this year. I am not doing it!

I am not going to watch my sister and her husband (the biggest moochers on the planet) open 400 expensive christmas presents from my parents (who they treat like pond scum) and sit there with my husband and our lone present, a jar of honey.... and folks, it isn't about money!! Don't be confused, the quality and the amount of presents is not what I am angry about. What I am an angry about is how worthless I felt as my sister opened presents for 3 solid hours last christmas and my husband and I had one little, $10 present between the two of us. We were done in 2 minutes, tops, and had to spend the next 2 hours and 58 minutes watching my sister in an elaborate production of how she is loved more then I am.

I remember how awful last christmas was. I got so depressed I actually ate a pie. THE WHOLE PIE! With WHIPPED CREAM ON TOP!!!! My husband and I were treated terribly, like 2nd class citizens, the entire time. My parents fawned over my sister to the point it was sickening, critized me at every turn, yelled at me like I was a 2 yr old for something that never even happened, berated my husband for asking to watch a football game on one of their 3 tv's, and then cooked food that would have required me to use my EPI pen and spend a week in the hospital. Total, complete, and utter disregard for my husband or myself. All of them, except my mentally handicapped uncle, bless his heart, made us feel 100% unwelcome and unwanted.

If you are reading this and thinking: Sounds Familiar - You are in the right spot.

So why, then, knowing that Christmas would be MISERABLE and a considerable strain on my marriage, do I feel guilty about not going????

Oh, and how am I planning on telling my family that I am not going to be there to watch the parade of presents for my sister?

That is the delicate part.... very tricky.

I want to say: HELL NO! YOU TREAT ME TERRIBLY AND MAKE ME DEPRESSED AND MISERABLE. MY HUSBAND HATES ALL OF YOU AND HE SHOULD AFTER HOW BAD YOU WERE TO HIM!! I WOULDN"T COME IF YOU PAID ME!

What I am going to say, in order to keep a relationship with them because despite everything, I do love them: I have the flu. Too sick to travel. We'll miss you terribly.