Battling the Family Party

In this difficult holiday season, more then one of us with dysfunctional families will be invited to a family party. A party that will be talked about for the rest of the coming year... and not for good reasons. The last holiday party I attended with my mothers side of the family, bless their hearts, gave us all food poisoning that lasted well into the new year. On the bright side: I lost 10 pounds! Sure, Grandma had to be hospitalized, and you've never lived until you have to share a toilet bowl with another person while throwing up.... Oh, the memories.

And that brings me to my survival guide for how to handle those special holiday gatherings:

Pre-Party Planning:

1) a week ahead of time, advertise that you or one of your kids is sick
(which will be used later to make a gracious exit before the chaos ensues)

2) When shopping for presents:GIFT CERTIFICATES
No matter what you buy, it will be wrong if it isn't a gift certificate. You will offend someone because they think their present wasn't as nice as the one you gave someone else or someone will have already bought that same gift for someone else and is ticked you only spent $5.95 on them... whatever. Yes, it means that you will have to spend $15 minimum per person, but the headache it will save is worth more then money. My husband bought gift certificates for every member of my family from Best Buy and everyone loved him for it. I went out and bought thoughtful gifts that actually cost double the gift certificate amount, and was hassled for it. Learn the power of the GIFT CERTIFICATE.

3) Outfit choosing: Something conservative. It can be fire retardant, stain proof, built to withstand a tsunami, but it needs to be conservative. It is better to be over dressed then under dressed.

At the Party:
1) DO NOT DRINK
Now I know that when I am with my relatives it is THE time that I want drink. And they make me want to drink a LOT. However, fight the urge. Drunk people do stupid things, things that will be held over your head until the day you die. This is the hardest rule of all, believe me I know it.

2) Only make small talk. Discuss the weather. A sports team if they are winning. Discuss traffic. Do NOT get into any sort of heavy debate where people's feelings get hurt. Remember: It is ok to be smarter then everyone else. It is NOT OK to point it out.

3) Do not linger about. If you feel that the time has come to make an exit: LEAVE! The longer you stay, the more chance that chaos will unfold around you and before you know it, Uncle Larry thinks you are going to buy is 1996 Ford Explorer with 300,000 miles on it -but no tires!!

After Party:

1) Send a thank you notice to the hostess. This will earn you bonus points for the entire next year:

Thank you for the party, Aunt Bernice. We had a great time, you have a beautiful home. Sorry Billy spilled grape juice on your white love seat.
Love, Annabell and Family

None of your other relatives are going to send a thank you note, so you come out looking like the saint.

Most importantly: Remember, no matter how obnoxious your family is this holiday season, one of them might match you for a kidney transplant so you've got to be nice!!

Happy Holidays