I've heard it a thousand times: Can I marry into a family that is wretchedly dysfunctional and be ok?
Well.... it all depends. This is not a yes or no question, because it entirely depends on the type and amount of dysfunction.
My first fiancee was the only child of a wretchedly dysfunctional family, and obviously it didn't work out for us. I had a great time while we were dating, fell madly in love, thought the world of this man, and then after we became engaged, I met his mother. Oh, how his mother did not like the idea of someone taking away her baby from her. As soon as his mother came into the picture, I had to leave. She was a monster of biblical proportions and unfortunately, my ex-fiancee could not stand up to her.
What I've learned from that experience is:
If you can distance yourself from the dysfunctional family - however far it takes - then there is a good chance you'll be alright!
If your fiancee backs you up 100% against their family 100% of the time, then there is a good chance you'll be alright!
If your fiancee realizes that their family is dysfunctional and tries to protect you from it, you've got a good chance!
If you realize that your fiancee's family is dysfunctional and that you need to take steps to protect yourself, then there is a good chance!!
Bottom line, you need to assess the situation and by that I mean write down facts.
Fact:
Mother-in-law arrived, uninvited, at 5 pm at YOUR HOUSE with a RAW CHICKEN and expected YOU to cook that chicken for the entire family, whom she invited over without permission, and your fiancee saw nothing wrong with this....
Mother-in-law critized your appearence and your fiancee AGREED with her
Father-in-law invited your fiancee to go to a strip club and teased your fiancee when he said no because you had symphony tickets and then launched into a 30 minute lecture about why cheating is ok....
See.... these are BAD FACTS. You don't write down opinions, how you felt, emotions. You write down the events as they happen. Then, with a clear head, you evaluate them and decide if you are in a bad situation. The above facts actually happened with my ex-fiancee. Hence, he is an ex.
But, my husband married me and my family is extremely dysfunctional. We're happy. Our marriage works. Sure, he gets royally mad at my family, and we do live 700 miles away from them. My husband knew the mess that was my family prior to our wedding, and he has never regretted it.
Each situation is different. If you really need advice on your situation, email me and I'll do my best to give you my opinion.
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3 comments:
I come from a Functional family. Where there is Mom, Dad, Brother and me. Everything was good, yes we had our ups and down but I dont complain, my parents are not perfect but everything went so well when growing up. There was a BALANCE.
Now I married a man who came from a Dysfunctional family. Mother who suffered domestic violence, moved in with a crack addict with her 4 kids (my husband being the oldest one). Now my mother in law is doing good the past has been left in the past but her kids are a reflection of the mistakes she made. Thank God my husband moved physically away from them, thats how he met me. But he is still mentally attached to them. He thinks he can solve every single of their problems. He is the father figure that his father wasn't, he takes on responsibilities that, in my opinion, don't belong to him.
From his younger brother's criminal history, to his sister living with some guy and going the wrong direction (drugs etc) It is frustrating to see my husband thinking he is responsible for them, having all that weight on his shoulder. How should I deal with that? We are over 300 miles away from them but it seems like their demons are always in his back.
I am a male who has been in a relationship for 3 years and we are on the brink of marriage. In the three years that we have been together, 2 of them I lived out of state. I moved in with my fiancee 1 year ago. Since I have moved in I have helped in significant ways, but in the process her family and her friends have grown to dislike me for reasons I don't understand. I love this woman, but it hurts like hell somedays I want this to work, but other days I want to pack up and go home. I have heard negative condescending phone calls about me with her sister, cousins, and friends. It has gone as far as me bugging the house in which we live. Her brother has told her not to help me with my issues but to let things be as they may (he lives here too). I am to the point where I am ready to give up because the relationship with her family is toxic and it could lead to divorce before marriage. I need some help please
Honestly if you stay you will regret it. Knowing what the family are like now is a blessing because you can so something about it. Get the heck out. I know you love her but trust me it will not get any better. You deserve happiness and neither of you need this stress in a marriage. My brother-in-law dated and lived with the wrong girl for 7 years. After finally getting out he is now happily married to the right girl with a beautiful family.
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